Anything Could Happen And It Could Be Right Now. Or Next Week.

Um, for both of my loyal readers, sorry for the radio silence over the past couple of weeks. Been sort of preoccupied. Which is actually a strange sort of word, innit? "Preoccupied". Meaning I was already occupied before now, sort of a foregone conclusion. Imagine Hitler saying to his generals "well, we got to Paris, but it was too late - it was already occupied. Bloody Fuck in German!"

Actually, "foregone" is also an odd word.

Anyhoo, will summon up the courage to try and be amusing next week. Which some of you might think is a complete change of form. "Why start now?" etc. I hope you don't really think that. If you did, I may weep.

Just saw "Far Off Town", BTW. Doco about David Kilgour recording his "Frozen Orange" album with Lambchop in Nashville. Absolutely brilliant stuff. I would urge you to see it if you get the chance.

Nuff said. If you're looking for a fun time, check out the links to the right of your screen. And in particular, please visit martha, llew, the clever mr slack, and the random mr hutton. Mint.

Tally ho!

The stars! The stars!

ARIES: You're going to have to get used to the fact that the truth hurts. Of course, not as much as, say, being shot in the kneecaps. But wear thick pants, just in case.

TAURUS: Look both ways before crossing the road tomorrow. Not going to say why, just do it, OK? You'll thank me later.

GEMINI: If you want to discover new oceans, you must first find the courage to lose sight of the shore. Profound, no?

ROCKSTAR (the star sign formerly known as "Cancer"): You rock!

LEO: You probably had a birthday some time over the last month or so.

VIRGO: You will probably have a birthday some time over the next month or so.

LIBRA: You're going out dressed like that?

SCORPIO: If you want to discover new planets, you must first find the courage to lose sight of the Earth. Profound, no?

SAGITTARIUS: You will have exactly the same experience as approximately 1/12th of the world's population. Not so special, are you?

CAPRICORN: Be discreet. Or discrete, I can never remember which.

AQUARIUS: Ah, the water sign. Ah yes.

PISCES: Or are you the water sign?

BLITZEN: This would be a good time to put petrol in the car. Before the price goes up again. Oh, it will, mark my words. Have you seen what's happening in the Middle East?

GLUTTONY: Beware!!! Beware of … oh, lost it. Something big. Really big. Big and scary. Wish I could remember.

SNEEZY: You will have toast for breakfast. With vegemite. True! Unless you're from a "developing country", which, in the heady days of the Cold War, we used to call "third world". Ah, those were the days. Everyone knew their place.

DALEK: A tendency to ask too many questions and over-analyse situations could work against you. Act on instinct, dammit.

MONKEY: If you find yourself accidently poisoned tomorrow, the correct antidote is fish oil. Which must be administered within half an hour. Oh, hang on, that was yesterday's. Um, I'll get back to you.

Ssh!

The building in which I work houses the office of the Privacy Commissioner. Sometimes, I'll run into Privacy Commissioner staff, y'know, in an elevator, or in the lobby, or something.

And you know, they never say a word. Not one word. Utterly silent. That's bloody dedication to your job, innit? Admirable.

Mary? Mary Jones? Are you there?

Ugh. Been unwell. Sleeping lots. Only just cleared inbox. Delighted to see a huge backlog of emails. Although not a huge backlog in, say, a Farraresque (ie 5000 emails a second, or thereabouts) sense, it was pretty momentous by Lambchop standards.

OK, there were six. And none actually for me.

BTW, if anyone knows Mary Jones (and there can't be many people by that name), could you please let her know that:

1. her fill ed lo an app lication is a pp r o ved for All D3bt Co nsol id atoin;
2. her Me6ical R ee-fill is ready for ph arma; and
3. all she has to do is Pleaase Re-co n firm her infom ation.

I hope she sorts her life out, I really do. All those medico-financial problems, it can't be easy. If you see her, give her my best regards, and so on. And please tell her: for FUCKS sake, get your own email address, you debt-ridden junkie ho.

Righto. Back to bed now.

Once were worriers

NEWS:

A New Zealand researcher claims there is an over-representation of the "accountant" gene, which has been linked to meek and submissive behaviour, in Pakeha men.

Dr Lam Chop, who has been speaking at an international conference in Brisbane, denies reports that quoted him suggesting the gene has links to tediousness and passivity.

"There are lots of lifestyle, upbringing-related exposures that could be relevant here so, obviously, the gene won't automatically make you a fucktard."

Lambchop for your ears

A very dear friend has drawn my attention to a band by the name of Lambchop, and I'll be forever in her debt. Despite the fact that they've been around since the 1980s (albeit originally under a different name), and have had an incredibly prolific output, I'd never heard of them. Even though they toured here last year with the formerly Clean David Kilgour. Jesus, I'm SO out of touch. I suppose you all knew about them, hmmm? Grrr.

But now I've heard them. And I like. I like very much. And you should like too. How could you not like an outfit that's been described as "Nashville's most fucked-up country band"? No, I don't usually go for country music, but this is not of the "lost my job, lost my wife, lost my truck" variety. This is witty, lyrical balladry. Feast your ears on this. And this. This. More. More here.

APOLOGY
Sorry about the swearing, but by God, good music rouses my passionate side.

Ooh, sorry about the blaspheming as well. Shit.

How to build a suitcase nuke

Righto. To start with, you'll need:

1. a very small nuclear weapon; and
2. a suitcase.

Now gently assemble. And voilà!

Next week: how to build a submarine. You'll need plenty of tin, so don't go throwing away those empty beer cans!

Quantum physics explained

You might be in New Zealand, or Australia, or Europe, or the Americas. You might even be in Singapore, or Vietnam, or thereabouts. But wherever you are, always remember:

There's tricky, and there's impossible. Most things are merely tricky. Ultimately resolvable. One way or the other. Given time.

Impossible ain't nothing but a skateboard trick.

UPDATE
Sorry, quantum physics didn't actually get much of a look-in there. I'll try again next week. Or last week, if it turns out that quantum physics (as I suspect) can help me travel through time.

Say "cheese"!

Man Sues Over Sperm Bank Hidden Camera.

Wanker.

Ask Doctor Lambchop

"I'm getting married tomorrow, and haven't written a speech yet. Can you think of anything witty and clever that will charm my bride and her wealthy, albeit fairly religious family whom I've yet to meet?"

Well, I'd start off with: "I first became attracted to [bride's name] when I heard she'd been fired from a sperm bank - for DRINKING ON THE JOB!!!" That should get them on side, rolling in the aisles, and you can pretty much wing it from there. Ooh - it might pay to mention God a fair bit.

"C. Northcote Parkinson once said: 'Work expands to fill the time available for its completion.' What was he on about?"

He was predicting the impact of the Internet.

"Help! My pet hamster has dyslexia. What should I do?"

Um, how can you tell?

"Sorry, meant dyspepsia."

Ah. Put a couple of towels down first. Failing that, try a little bicarbonate of soda, mixed with lemon juice.

"What's the most important thing I should look for before investing a large sum of money, if my aim is to make a reasonable return over a long period with minimal risk?"

Check recent performance over a similar distance and with the same track conditions.

"How do you play the piano?"

Same as everyone else, mate. Left hand does the bass, right hand does the treble. Easy.

"What's life all about, then?"

Phew. Got me there. Well, it's pretty much … ummm … OH! Hang on! It's … no, that can't be right.

"Help! How do I prevent mango chutney from staining the bed linen?"

You again? Put a couple of towels down first. Failing that, try a little bicarbonate of soda, mixed with lemon juice.

"Why are there no Buddhist terrorists?"

Because they resolve their disputes through peaceful means. It's called Transcendental Mediation.

"Was this whole thing a set-up just so you could tell that Buddhist joke?"

Pretty much, yep.

"You're not really a doctor, are you?"

You bet - a doctor of lurrrrrrrrrrrve! Oh, alright, no.

Hot. Damn hot.

Finno, our man in London, swelters over a sweat-stained keyboard to deliver you news from the heatwave ...

"In the brand spanking new building across the road from us, the air conditioning system has broken down. After careful inspection, it was discovered that it was not designed to function at temperatures over 30 degrees Celsius. Four weeks pass. Now, after much hue and cry, the lawyers over there have fans (good for cooling, bad for the precarious paper tower filing systems favoured by lawyers).

But despite much wailing and gnashing of teeth, the air conditioning remains unfixed. At our team meeting this morning, a sweaty youth who works there suggested with some earnestness to the Branch manager that it was time that we started withholding rent.

I suppose the designers of the air con system might have been building their new millennium wonder during one of London's notoriously dark and bitter winters, when frost forms on your eyelashes and even the beggars generally have greatcoats. Even so, this seems an appalling piece of bungling. It was only three summers ago that the UK was enveloped in a torpid heatwave and the old and feeble were dropping like flies.

It is inconceivable that anyone in Britain could have forgotten, given with what feverish delight the English discuss the mildest change in the weather.

But incompetence is one of the few things you can rely on in London. Hope for the best, expect the most dire and half witted. The clown who installed an air con unit in a city whose upper limit for functioning is several degrees lower than the average summer temperature is but one in a galaxy of stars. He can sit alongside my landlords, the Islington council, every builder in London, the CE of British Rail, the guy who tried to deal with my request at HSBC and many, many other others on the endlessly expanding list of those who will be first against the wall when I am king."

May it please the Court

Ye Gods.

Today in history. Or yesterday.

Today, July 24, is Lambchop's birthday. To celebrate, I thought it appropriate to look at great moments in history that happened on this day.

• 311 - The end of the fifth year of rain of Constantine the Great. Man, that must have been one hell of a soggy era.
• 1322 - Battle of Nocera between Ranulf II of Alife and Roger II of Sicily. Yes, Roger.
• 1487 - Citizens of Leeuwarden, Netherlands, strike against a ban on foreign beer. Five hundred years later, everyone's drinking Heineken.
• 1567 - Mary Queen of Scots is deposed and replaced by her one year-old son, King James VI, who immediately declares it to be 'National Boobie Week'.
• 1911 - Hiram Bingham III re-discovers the Lost City of the Incas. Down the back of a couch, of all places.
• 1929 - The Kellogg-Briand Pact, renouncing war as an instrument of foreign policy, goes into effect. For about five minutes, give or take.
• 1959 - At the opening of the American National Exhibition in Moscow, US vice-president Richard Nixon and Soviet Premier Nikita Khrushchev have a 'Kitchen Debate'. "Capitalist pig-dog, you are meant to warm the pot before you put in the tea!" "Who are you calling a pig-dog, you Soviet sonofabitch? And stop banging your shoe on the kitchen bench!" etc
• 1967 - During an official state visit to Canada, French President Charles de Gaulle declares to a crowd of over 100,000 in Montreal: "Ich bin ein Berliner!" Or something equally foreign-sounding.
• 1969 - Apollo 11 safely returns from the moon. If it ever went there in the first place.
• 1969 - Jennifer Lopez born. Were we, I wonder, swapped at birth?
• 1974 - The US Supreme Court unanimously rules that President Richard Nixon must surrender the subpoenaed "blowjob" tapes to the Watergate special prosecutor.
• 1990 - Iraqi forces start massing on the Kuwaiti boarder. Who immediately threatens to find somewhere else to live.
• 2005 - Giant meteorite destroys Alaska. No, I don't remember reading about it either.

O glorious day!

UPDATE
I'm reliably informed that it's actually July 25 today. Damn. Blacked out again. Hate it when that happens.

Remembering Bowie

Sad news. I've just heard that Jim Bowie, inventor of the "Bowie knife" (and the lesser-known "Bowie fork") is dead, and has been so for some time now.

This will come as a shock to his legions of fans around the world, for whom Bowie was their beloved "chameleon of cutlery". Following his early knife-related success, Bowie dabbled in various cutlery styles, impressing critics with his constant self-reinvention. He is known for spearheading the "glam" phase of kitchen utensils (highlight: the "Bowie reverseable cork screw"), and for his brief flirtation with American soul ("the Plastic Bowie Picnic Range").

But it was his invention and marketing of an affordable household cleaner for inexpensive cutlery that gained Bowie the commercial success he'd long aimed for (and which earned him the nickname "The Tin Wipe Duke").

Unable to cope with this early success, Bowie fled to Germany, where he released, in quick succession, the "Bowie Teaspoon", the "Bowie Cocktail Fork" and the rather dark "Bowie BBQ Chicken-Prong" (collectively known as the "Berlin Trilogy").

He embraced a variety of styles and ideas; he was an innovator. We will remember him.

TRIVIA
Jim Bowie was born Jim Jones, but changed his surname to avoid confusion with the crazy religious Guyanian cool-aid guy. He chose the surname of a little-known British folk singer, who'd had brief success with a song called "The Laughing Gnome".

Shameless self-promotion

God, I am such a whore. A whorey old whoreish whore.

Perhaps I should moonlight as a policewoman.

Modern manners

10 rules by which to lead your life:

1. Be kind to animals. You never know when you might need one. You know, to eat.
2. Avoid excessive alcohol intake. But if you must, then at least wait until midday. By which I mean 10.30am, give or take an hour or two.
3. When on the bus, do not put your bag in the empty seat beside you to prevent other people from sitting there. You think we want to sit next to you? Have you taken a good look at yourself lately?
4. Take a good look at yourself, regularly.
5. Oh, and while we're on the bus, you kids down the back? Shut the FUCK up.
6. Golf is not more fun when played naked, as tempting as that idea sounds.
7. Turn the computer off, go outside, get some fresh air. Unless you're reading this on a plane, or in a hot air balloon, or similar.
8. Do not buy depreciating assets on credit.
9. Read documents before you sign them.
10. Learn to use apostrophes properly.
11. Never end a ten-item list at number eleven.
12. Be nice.

Lap dancers vs puppy dogs

I note with a sort of quiet amusement that the ATMs operated by one local (and here I mean "Australian-owned") bank give you an option called "donate". I wonder how many late-nite-lagered-up lads, keen to withdraw cash for the purposes of wallpapering a lap dancer's crotch, have hit the wrong key and inadvertently funded the upkeep of seven guide dog puppies?

No, you're right, probably none.

One for the kids

What did one snowman say to the other? "Smells like fish!"

ba-dum-CHA!

UPDATE
Carrots. Smells like carrots. Sorry. Getting confused with an entirely different joke.

Voting behaviour

The morning after last year's election, I awoke with voter's remorse. Once again, I'd wasted my vote on a party that had absolutely no show of winning a seat, or of reaching the five percent threshold. Damn you, Flying National Bird Party, and your seductive campaign song!

In the US, the bald eagle soars high and proud
And all of the states their own birds are allowed

Quebec's snowy owl gives a bilingual hoot
Finland's swan is a whooper, while Denmark's is mute

Germany's stork heralds a proud nation's mood
While France has the cockerel (sounds a bit rude)

The UK's red robin is frisky and deft
Iraq has the chukar (though there's probably none left)

The crimson-breasted shrike rules Namibian skies
Like Hungary's great bustard (I'm not telling you lies)

In South Africa the blue crane is found by the flock
While Peru rejoices in its cock-of-the-rock

In Latvian hearts the white wagtail sings
In New Zealand, we're stuck with a bird with no wings

About us, it says something deep and profound
That we've adopted a bird that's adhered to the ground

Insecure, unadventurous, fragile and absurd
Is the country whose emblem is a non-flying bird

And so for our sense of self-worth as a nation
We need a bird capable of self-elevation.

To be fair, they weren't just single-issue fruitcakes. I was also attracted by their plan to bring back the death penalty.

W. T. F?

Now, on a good day I might be prepared to watch "celebrities" dance. Y'know, good on them for giving it a crack, and all that. "Celebrities" going feral on a tropical island - I could cope with that in small doses, if absolutely necessary.

But "celebrities" ... spelling?

That difficult fourth post

If we had muscles in our hair, we could adopt any hairstyle we wanted simply by flexing. This would obviate the need for "product".

On the down side, we would need major surgery every time we wanted a haircut, but that would be a small price to pay, surely, in order to do away with possibly THE most pretentious word in the English language.

First against the wall

From my office on the 42nd floor, I hear the sound of gunfire in the streets below. The Revolution, it seems, has begun. As soon as I finish the report I'm working on, it's off to raid the armoury, and then out for a spot of rampaging bloody mayhem. RAMPAGING BLOODY MAYHEM, do you hear me?

Report first, rampaging bloody mayhem second. That's called work ethic, son.

UPDATE
I should have guessed. This office lacks an armoury. That's pretty much my revolution fucked, innit? Can't do much rampaging with a hole-punch, can you? No match for a gun, yer standard office hole-punch, is it?

No doubt about it: a gun will beat a hole-punch every time. Even if your intention is simply to make holes in a piece of paper, the gun should be your instrument of first choice.

Just in - World Cup Final results

You read it here first, folks. Italy or France has won the final of the World Cup! This is a glorious day for the Italians or the French - but a day of mourning for the French or the Italians. Whichever.

World War Three!

I hate to be the one to tell you this, but it seems we're at war. At 19:39 hours today, Germany invaded Poland. When will they learn? This is a day that will live in infamy, or worse.

UPDATE
Sorry, one minor correction: for "At 19:39 hours today", read "In 1939". Otherwise, more or less accurate. I'll keep you posted as this tragic event unfolds.